Practicing Reflective Practice,a small reflection on a rainy day, with a few rabbit holes, possible undertows and some self-affirming me time!

The past month has seen a lot of challenges, wonderful humans come in and out of my world, changes and opportunities that demand and deserve deep consideration and my time. In work, life, local and individual power plays, to time spent considering the use of words in different circumstances and places when creating flyers and resources. I have some chunks of work to complete and report on and it is possible at 55 l am realising I enjoy the pressure of a dead line, yet have the realisation of the pressure l put myself under when leaving things to the last minute. It’s timing.

So, the thought of taking time for reflection is not something I always prioritise or even have top of mind let alone most days to even contemplate. Some of you nodded your heads involuntarily right now, it’s a sign. I believe even more so currently that with everything around us seeming to be operating on warp speed! Who on earth has time for reflective practice anyway. I mean really, we are all just so busy right! (yes, my eyes are rolling) “I’m ok, l’m fine”

No alarm this morning, so when I woke up, I took a moment to lay in bed listening to the rain, with it methodically reminding me that it was forcing me to be still l reflected I couldn’t remember the last time l did this. I was very grateful for it, and it was forcing me to be a sensible human, not go outside to tackle the never-ending list of property up keep jobs. Today it would have made me turn into a mad machine of “I have to do everything” “‘ have so much to do”, “you never do enough or do it properly” “I am more important than you” style thinking and probably statements that would have made our house colder than the temp outside! And honestly, who really enjoys being soaked to the skin, wet feet, frozen and for me, most likely the number one candidate to slip and fall, hurt myself, be grumpy, swear a lot and carry on for the rest of the day.

Great reflection, I would have become the mad machine doing it all, then still scrambling with the catching up on all the emails, messages, humphing at distractions. “Thank you rain for making me be reflective today.”

Next reflection – guilt. Guilt that I was so happy the rain did this for me and I clearly needed a sign to be still. “Shouldn’t I just know this?” Followed closely behind with the very real personal learning challenge of “valuing and making good use of my time”, a voice in my head “don’t put off till tomorrow what one can do today” – yes Yoda, I mean Dad. This neatly marries with the self-imposed expectation of my time freely given to everyone else’s needs is the highest priority in my life, not me. “Life as we know it shall end if I stop for some me time!”

Reflection, How do we balance that wonderful emotional roller coaster we just love putting ourselves through to justify our “enoughness” to others? (do not google enoughness or spell check it, I made it up! See, l saved you some time. Please use it, you re welcome.

The convoluted responses and justifications we create in our heads, to what we assume orners are spending just “smucni time, us, thinking about us, really means we need to take a step back and do a bit of reflective practice. It really is the perfect sign, that it is time for self-time, before our friends and family gather around and do an intervention!

So today became the perfect reflection day. I jumped up, loo, socks, coffee, new note book highlighters, sticky notes – (because colour coding is always key!) collected the physical, copious to do lists around the place and jumped back into bed. Marker in hand, I started with some cleaning out of the old “brain box – with a brain dump” (there was no brainstorm). Pulling forward some of those tabs in my head that are on permanent rotation was exciting. “I’m going to do everything on my list”, boomed from deep inside me with so much confidence.

My favourite list is, “all my brilliant idea’s that will simultaneously create connected communities, equitable economies, remind people to be kind to each other, allow children endless experiences in more creative educational systems, being delivered by the intergenerational leaders and grass roots community members, whilst creating world peace and ending hunger and never again having to discuss which way the toilet paper goes on the holder! I mean imagine if they all worked?

Another great list is the “one-page resources to create list” that one is just awesome, I just need some time to do them all. This process was going so well until, I remembered I hadn’t let the chooks out yet. So, I got up, coat and gumboots to feed the chooks. On the way back, I noticed some rubbish and leaves building up in the back open drain, so I did what any normal person would do in their pj’s with a coat and gumboots on, l got the rake and cleaned it out….in the rain. Now I am wet and soggy, so l think to myself, maybe I should go into the gully paddock, retrieve the alpaca buckets that have blown around and give them a feed. Distraction!
What am I thinking here, this was not my plan.

“No” I said to myself, “It’s reflective practice” not maybe sometimes! Practice, you must.

New plan, get back inside, get warm and keep on with your reflection time. I came in, changed all my clothes after a warm shower, but!. Distraction, before the shower, I stood in the kitchen in a towel, grated all the veggies and chopped the meat to make soup and threw it all in a pot. Why? Because of course I thought “if I do this now, I won’t have to think about dinner later and hubby will be happy”. So, I did it, showered, came out go dressed stirred soup, set timer for 20 mins to remind me to stir it, made another coffee, put a log on the fire, jumped back in bed. How can I get everything done with only 2 hands? Maybe I could create an app or tool for that?

Next reflection for the new list of lists! “what tools do I have to help me?” Brain, “ask Al” I shocked myself, I have never asked Al to help me. For me the first thing that still pops into my head when someone says Al is Artificial Insemination. Even as I reflect on that thought, l am curious if that is actually what artificial Intelligence is really doing, artificially inseminating our brains to alter natural evolutionary cycles and influence our critical thinking. Even trying to tell us it has all the answers and tools to help us get things done quicker and easier so we can fit more in, without connecting or calling on fellow humans. Distraction! back to reflection.

Next Reflection, “Do I need to fit more in?” I mean I have all these lists and workload etc and I am really busy. Keep, shift or let things go? Time, hours, need or want.

Next reflection, “Maybe I am not performing well enough?” “I’m really busy, so therefore I must be performing well and doing enough”. Getting into my flow here. Lists, columns, prioritising, patterns – this is great and I am working on me. Even tiny little celebration symbols on my page and ticks for the .5% wins. They all add up to wins! This reflective practice things is great, I feel ok that I am possibly enough. Ding! Stir Soup, reset soup. Come back, keep writing.

Next reflection, “why do I think I am not enough?” Deer in headlights moment. 10 seconds of “is this a question I want to really take a dive into?” The answer was yes, Fiona, you do. So, you know, the headings on this particular list are “Who has told you that you are not enough?” “Why is this person’s opinion important to you?” “Are you making assumptions because of an incident, action or the bigger situation?” I’m not going to lie: I had some real tears here. The guttural realisation that most of this was coming from me was a revelation, yet I think I knew this before I started. Accountability through reflection. Ownership.

Reflection, realising I have kept myself on other people’s roundabouts has not made me always prioritise or be kind to myself. This life thing is a constant learning space. Ding! Stir soup, reset soup, hug husband, say thank you for loving me as l am warts, wobbly bits and all, yet not have the ability to explain quite why l needed to do that right that minute. Kiss husband, back to writing.

Next reflection, consolidation of a recent thought that friends, regular peers and acquaintances are very different and the definition of “friend” that I have possible had for some years does not reflect the status quo and possibly explains some of my expectations of others. Opened a little box and that’s going on the list for “books I should write about”

Next reflection, “Who am I and what do I see in me that can bring something to others?” Now we are getting to the nitty gritty stuff, get tissue box….. deep breathe.

….This next little bit is raw and honest. It took me an hour or so to do this, which also meant 3 more Dings! To stir the soup before it was ready. But didn’t have to stir the soup, hubby did that and l never even asked him to do it. He just knew I needed this time for me.

So, if you don’t want to know who l am, or who i think i am, stop reading here and maybe take a moment to add an hour somewhere in your week for your own reflective practice or let’s call it “you time” trying to stay on Track witout distractions. I guarantee it is worth the time. There are many tools and practices you can use, books to read and frameworks to follow and you will find a flow that suits you. Just do it.

Thank you for reading and know that these words I have put together, without thought of grammatics, (apparently not a word! ) articulation or academia are words from my soul, born from an occurrence of rain that provided me the best conditions for reflective practice.

Thank you rain. I’m off for some soup.

So who am I?

I am me! With hair of white, a belly that’s round, a bottom that wobbles, a hater of make-up, a lover of art, bower bird of bits, repurposer of recycled creations, painter of pictures, with a laugh that is loud, an off-key singer, helper of friends, catcher of stories, absent grandmother, with a heart that beats for calm, connection and people to be the best they can be.

I am a holder of family and friends, daughter, sister, aunt, holding close and treasured moments past created, and the looker forward of moments to come.

I am one part in many communities, in many systems, with many peers and acquaintances that inspire, influence and support my learning and practice.

I am a lover of air, mountains, waterways that bring stillness, enjoyment and peace.

I am someone who can be brave and use my voice when it is time and bring curious questions to the centre to explore, poke the bear or remove labels that holder power over.

I am often the castor of the first stone to watch and celebrate ripples or not.

I am one with no “poker face”, transparent and valuing clarity to bring trust, connection with learnings and direction.

I am a noticer, collector, blender and experimenter – sitting on the edge in many places to collaborate and raise others up.

I have passions – deep, contemporary and compostable. To be with makers of change, people, communities, for conversations, systems and strategic direction. Honouring history and sovereignty of others.

My practices are many, strengths and asset based, being present and honest, nurturing others, elevating connection, grasping opportunities, collecting wisdom and knowledge through stories, data, research for inspiration, reflection and renewal.

I am a needer of people, co productivity, peers, curiosity, opportunities, patience and trust for my creativity to be activated and bring innovation to the centre for contribution. It takes us all.

I have loved and love, created life, been hurt & broken, hurt & broken others without realisation of hurtfulness. I am a sayer of sorry and a hugger for healing. Waded through many challenges, smiled at success, learnt lessons hard, failed, nurtured, grown and given myself permission to be less than perfect.

I am more reflective than I was at the start of this day.